


Life with a Prank Master

by Warwelf



Series: It Came From Tumblr [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, F/M, Nudity, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 07:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17199368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warwelf/pseuds/Warwelf
Summary: I recently deleted my tumblr, and this is one of two fanfics I felt like saving from it. It was originally written in September 2012, as part of an ill-fated attempt at answering one of those 30-day art challenges with fanfic. The prompt was "Kiss (naked)." That somehow turned into a silly slice of Vriska having to deal with the consequences of living with a prank-obsessed John Egbert.This is set in a post-game AU, very vaguely sketched both because at the time it was written we had little idea of what the post-Sburb-Alpha world would look like and because the details weren't particularly important to this brief bit of nonsense.





	Life with a Prank Master

Vriska Serket woke to an empty bed and the eye-searing light of late morning streaming in through a high east-facing window she swore every day she’d board up. She punched the air John’s shoulder should have occupied as she muttered a curse at him for failing to wake her sooner, just as she would have punched his shoulder for waking her up too early; he was getting used to dealing with some mild bruising. The lack of resistance forced her eyelids open despite the pain, and she growled as she rolled out of bed, knowing an Egbert you don’t see is an Egbert who is planning something.

She stretched haphazardly as she stumbled over to the dresser, fluffed her tangled hair out with one hand, and opened an empty drawer. She blinked twice before slowly sliding it shut again. She let eight heartbeats pass before yanking it open and out of the dresser entirely, staring its emptiness down with a glare that had sent ogres running and made fellow FLARPers piss themselves. Despite her possession of approximately one hundred percent of the luck in existence, it remained empty. She flung it onto the bed with a disgusted huff. So she wouldn’t be wearing underwear. It wouldn’t be the first time. It wasn’t until she’d pulled open three more empty drawers and swept through the rest of the dresser, the closet, and the laundry hamper with vision eightfold that she realized the true caliber of prank she was dealing with. A couple moments rooting around the foot of the bed confirmed that he’d even taken the clothes they’d discarded the previous night.

She leaned out the bedroom door and screamed, “JOOOOOOOOHN, I will have your heart on a st8ke for this!” A distant answering giggle did the door frame no favors, her claws leaving behind a set of not-so-decorative grooves.

As she descended the stairs in stomping strides she noticed that he’d at least had the decency to pull the first floor blinds shut, though she imagined the neighbors would have complaints nonetheless once she’d hung John from the flagpole outside by his own damn godhood. The moment her feet hit the living room carpet the cackling fool bounded past, stark naked himself, trailing one of her old Mindfang jackets from his neck like a cape. She clapped an arm across her chest to keep her rumble spheres from living up to their name too thoroughly and grudgingly took up the pursuit.

“If you m8ke me chase you through the kitchen I AM coming out with a knife, John!!!!!!!!” she shouted after him, and he veered abruptly to skid through the laundry room instead. She paused long enough to verify that it too had been stripped bare of every last scrap of cloth before resuming the chase, getting back on track just in time to see him disappear through the far door of the dining room, heading back toward the stairway again.

She picked up the pace and rounded the foot of the stairs at speed, eyes going wide and feet slipping out from under her as she collided face-to-face with John hanging upside down from the banister. He lost his grip and fell on top of her, only narrowly avoiding castration at the hands of her horns in the process. She rolled him off and they both lay there panting for several long moments, recovering from both shock and pain, before either managed to speak.

“That was supposed to be a kiss,” he said, “You know one of those upside-down kisses like in the first Spider-Man movie. I didn’t think you’d be running so fast.”

She struggled up to her knees and crawled around to see his hesitant smile in the inverse. Her fist threatened to crack the floor next to his ear, but then she wiped the blood off his face with the back of her other hand and leaned in for a gentle kiss, softly kneading his lower lip between her own. She shook her head in disbelief as she pulled away.

“I’d h8 you so much if you weren’t so damn adora8le, doofus.”

He grinned the most hideously cheesy grin imaginable and said, “We humans have a word for that. We call it love.”

She simply stared at him for a long moment before he started giggling and she started chuckling and the floodgates burst. They clung to each other for a good minute or more, laughing uncontrollably. At last she sat up, wiping blue tears from her face.

“Where did you hide all our clothes anyw8y?”

He flung open the closet beneath the stairs and she had just enough time to realize what he’d done before the avalanche buried her. She came up with her horns draped in a pair of his underwear and two of her old shirts, screaming bloody murder. He ran off giggling, jacket-cape still streaming in his wake.

When it comes to pranks, John Egbert is simply the best there is.


End file.
